Like a marathon, these questions run through my head- What do you want? What are you scared of? Why are you running? These questions may not seem so heavy, but trust me, they have been weighing heavy on my soul. Do we ever truly know what we want? Better yet, do we ever get what we truly want? Why do I feel as if I purposely hold my self back from what I truly want? You're probably reading this and thinking "Just answer the damn question already!" Unfortunately, I do not have the answers, all I have are these meandering thoughts...
I feel as if, everything I am running from, everything I want out of life, and what I am scared of go hand in hand. However, I wanted to break my thoughts on down... So if you are ready to get down, lets get down with the get down!
I am running away from commitment. I do not want to commit to choosing a career. I do not want to commit to a relationship. I do not want to commit to anything that I feel will make me stagnant. It is the biggest oxymoron, I know.... I fear being boxed into a career, one that I am not happy with, one that I do not grow in. I have put school on hold for many years, because I cannot chose a career path I want to grow into. In return, do you know what this has made me? If you guessed stagnant, you would be absolutely correct! I feel like I am traveling down an endless hallway with shut doors. Instead of opening any of them, I just keep walking. Why do I keep walking? Why am I stopping myself from opening any door to see what is behind them? It is not like I am not curious about what is behind them, I just fear what is behind each door. I am now learning (when I say now, I mean right now) that commitment takes balls!
I am also running from Love (such a cliche, yet an ungrasped emotion) Is it possible to not be aware of your feelings? Here is a little fun fact about me, I am emotionally challenged. What may be common sense to you, might be something I cannot wrap my pretty little head around. My complex with love started young, my building stages in life were very unfortunate, and affects me more than I like to admit. I may appear to have all the confidence in the world, but there is a deep root of insecurity that I just can't seem to pull. No matter how hard I try to exude confidence, on the inside that deep seeded root makes me feel worthless. I am not scared of many things in life, but Love, it scares the shit out of me. I dodge any sign of it, I have purposely mess up relationships because of it, and I do not open myself up in fear of falling into it. I run from Love, because I am scared to let anyone in, and have them steal any worth I have left.
I am scared shitless of what happens after love, and after my career: I will be pressured to start a family. (Big Gulp) I am sweating bullets as I type this. I have always seen a family in my "vision", but the realness of actually carrying a baby inside of me, and giving another human life... Does the world need another Marie running around? As my own woman, I ask myself "Do I want to get married?" "Do I want kids?" "Do I want to be a stay at home mom?" "Do I want to be a career mom?" "Is being a 'dog mother' good enough for me?" I cant even imagine being in a relationship, let alone a marriage... Me falling head over hills in love with someone, scares me down to the core of my soul. How would having a kid effect my career? I know plenty of women who have the career they want, and the family they longed for. I know women who have given up their career, to selflessly take care of their house, husband, and kids. I struggle in picking a career, because I do not want to be forced into a role. I do not want to pursue a career 110%, and shut out ever finding true love, and start a family. I also do not think I could be selfless enough to stay at home and dedicate everything to my family. I am scared to settle, and get comfortable in these decisions. I want to live, but what life to live is the real question?
My aspirations are as deep as the sea, they all vary with the state of my life. Presently, I aspire to finish school, and start a career. The only flaw to this aspiration, is I have no earthy idea what I want to pursue. Long term, I want to fall in love, I want to build a family, I want to build my own legacy to leave behind, I want to change lives, and become the woman I know I am. I want people to know that Marie was here, and she made a difference. However, it is so hard for me to knock down these barriers that block me from the life I know I want, and deserve. I started this blog to journal my journey, but a journey traveled alone is not near as fulfilling as a journey traveled with many. I want this entry to be the first stepping stone into all of our journeys (well the few of you who actually read my blog) So I ask you, What do you want? What are you scared of? Why are you running?
I am running away from commitment. I do not want to commit to choosing a career. I do not want to commit to a relationship. I do not want to commit to anything that I feel will make me stagnant. It is the biggest oxymoron, I know.... I fear being boxed into a career, one that I am not happy with, one that I do not grow in. I have put school on hold for many years, because I cannot chose a career path I want to grow into. In return, do you know what this has made me? If you guessed stagnant, you would be absolutely correct! I feel like I am traveling down an endless hallway with shut doors. Instead of opening any of them, I just keep walking. Why do I keep walking? Why am I stopping myself from opening any door to see what is behind them? It is not like I am not curious about what is behind them, I just fear what is behind each door. I am now learning (when I say now, I mean right now) that commitment takes balls!
I am also running from Love (such a cliche, yet an ungrasped emotion) Is it possible to not be aware of your feelings? Here is a little fun fact about me, I am emotionally challenged. What may be common sense to you, might be something I cannot wrap my pretty little head around. My complex with love started young, my building stages in life were very unfortunate, and affects me more than I like to admit. I may appear to have all the confidence in the world, but there is a deep root of insecurity that I just can't seem to pull. No matter how hard I try to exude confidence, on the inside that deep seeded root makes me feel worthless. I am not scared of many things in life, but Love, it scares the shit out of me. I dodge any sign of it, I have purposely mess up relationships because of it, and I do not open myself up in fear of falling into it. I run from Love, because I am scared to let anyone in, and have them steal any worth I have left.
I am scared shitless of what happens after love, and after my career: I will be pressured to start a family. (Big Gulp) I am sweating bullets as I type this. I have always seen a family in my "vision", but the realness of actually carrying a baby inside of me, and giving another human life... Does the world need another Marie running around? As my own woman, I ask myself "Do I want to get married?" "Do I want kids?" "Do I want to be a stay at home mom?" "Do I want to be a career mom?" "Is being a 'dog mother' good enough for me?" I cant even imagine being in a relationship, let alone a marriage... Me falling head over hills in love with someone, scares me down to the core of my soul. How would having a kid effect my career? I know plenty of women who have the career they want, and the family they longed for. I know women who have given up their career, to selflessly take care of their house, husband, and kids. I struggle in picking a career, because I do not want to be forced into a role. I do not want to pursue a career 110%, and shut out ever finding true love, and start a family. I also do not think I could be selfless enough to stay at home and dedicate everything to my family. I am scared to settle, and get comfortable in these decisions. I want to live, but what life to live is the real question?
My aspirations are as deep as the sea, they all vary with the state of my life. Presently, I aspire to finish school, and start a career. The only flaw to this aspiration, is I have no earthy idea what I want to pursue. Long term, I want to fall in love, I want to build a family, I want to build my own legacy to leave behind, I want to change lives, and become the woman I know I am. I want people to know that Marie was here, and she made a difference. However, it is so hard for me to knock down these barriers that block me from the life I know I want, and deserve. I started this blog to journal my journey, but a journey traveled alone is not near as fulfilling as a journey traveled with many. I want this entry to be the first stepping stone into all of our journeys (well the few of you who actually read my blog) So I ask you, What do you want? What are you scared of? Why are you running?
Marie this was a awesome piece. It takes "balls", to truly say how you feel. I'm inspired to look at my fears and to overcome them. I know I already have 2 out of 3 but changing careers can be a booger.
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving the opportunity of thought. Am I doing what I love?
Hey love this time of your life is suppose to full of questions. It's the time to change your mind a million times about what you want to do when you grow up. Kiss many frogs and fall in love a lot. When Mr. Right shows up you will know and all the insecurities will go away and "love" will no longer be just a 4 letter word created to give us false hopes of happiness and marriage will no longer be a mutual misunderstanding between 2 people.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your education just go for it people change their majors all the time and even go back to school if they become stagnant.
Remember Life is what you make out of it...and always have fun while you are living. Life is not about the number of breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away.