We all should be familiar with the Nursery Rhyme "London Bridge Falling Down". If you don't know it, it is a Nursery Rhyme about London Bridge falling down, and all the attempts that "My Fair Lady" should take to repair/rebuild the Never Ending Falling of the London Bridge.
They try to fix it with Wood and Clay...Sure enough, it washed away.
They try to rebuild it with Bricks and Mortar...Unfortunately, that did not stay.
They try to rebuild it again with Iron and Steel... Sadly, it bent and bowed.
They got fancy and tried to repair it with Silver and Gold... However they were scared it would get stolen away.
To prevent it getting stolen away they hired a man to watch all night... Alas, he falls asleep.
So they end up giving him a pipe to smoke all night.
Right now, My Life feels like the "London Bridge", and I am the "Fair lady". I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted... That would be something I could over come, but have you ever felt like that for a whole year straight? I know I come off as a Diva, I love Divas, I love how comfortable they are in their skin. I love how they can own every situation, and make it their own. I am a Diva, this has never been a doubt in my mind, I felt this way since before I can remember. As a Diva, I try to mold everyone into being their own Diva. I don't do this because I want to change someone, my attempt is out of the bottom of my heart. I, at one time was not comfortable in my own skin, and once I was, I felt like the world needed to experience this high. The high I get out of being myself, the pure appreciation I have for myself, I had never felt more empowered in my life. The best part of this whole feeling, is that I did not need anyone else to feed this to me. I possessed this myself, I made myself smile, I was the first person I fell in love with. You may be reading this and want to stop because you think this is the most narcissistic thing you could ever come across... Well you're probably right, but hang in there, my rant will soon be over, and you will see where I am getting at.
One of my biggest faults is that I don't know how to say "No" enough. I over commit to everything. For Example: I will commit to 2 jobs (committing to over 70 hours a week), and try to throw school on top of that, and make time for my dog Stormie, and a social life to seem normal. I get so wrapped up in other peoples lives, and I get senseless to what is happening in mine. I have now half-ass committed to everything. School... FORGET ABOUT IT. The time I want to spend to primp my self, maintain my figure, rejuvenate, read a book, catch up on my shows... It is LAST on my list. The time I want to spend with my dog at the park, or just time to show her that I love her... She is put second to last. Work, this is the only time I have fully committed to, because I have bills to pay. As strange as it sounds, this is my only relaxation time... Can you imagine? However, while I am there, all I am thinking about is my second job, and how not to fall short on that. My second job, I have fallen very far behind on. My relationships... Well those are becoming close to non existent. I can't even show them appreciation because I can't even take the time out of my day to show me or my dog enough appreciation. This is where the London Bridge starts crumbling down.
I start growing resentment for myself, because I can't even relate to myself anymore. After a year of go-go-go-go and very little play time, I am too exhausted to even try to get to know myself again. I started this blog as a way of getting to know myself again, and maybe inspire someone along the way of my journey through my soul. I just celebrated my 24th birthday on Monday. Every year, I try to reflect on how much I have grown, and how much has changed with each year. Lately, I don't even feel like myself, I look in the mirror and wonder who this new person is. I have not even reflected long enough to know if this is a good thing or not. This year, I looked for these answers in the relationships around me, as if they define me. I depended on them to point them out to me, because my vision of myself has become hazy. I was so angry about this, and it was not until I started writing this blog that I understood why. At first, I was mad at the people there for not kissing my feet, and telling me of how much of a blessing I am to them. (That is a little joke) However, now I see that it is not one else job to celebrate me, other than myself. Life is full of ups and downs... Lately, the intervals have been more frequent. I have love the highs, I love feeling like the little Diva I am. I am learning to cope with the lows, slowly learning how to ride them.
I know this entry has been back an forth, and a diva has nothing to do with London Bridge (Unless you are talking about Fergie-London Bridge). These were my organic thoughts, and how I processed them. I did not do too much editing, I wanted to just release all of the emotions that have been bottled up. Last week, I wrote about what makes you, YOU... Well this week, I want all of us to grab a glass of Champagne, and cheers to our "Chose"!
Our challenge this week: Treating ourselves to a celebration, because you deserve it dammit!
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