Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

      Love or Sex, that is the question! What is either one anyway? Do any of us really know what Love is? On the other hand, do any of us really know the magnitude of Sex? I feel as if they both have a couple of things in common, at one point or another, we all long for them and we all use them in vain. You have to have some kind of connection for either one to work, and they have a way of blinding us. Now that I think about it, they are both very similar... However, I wonder: if they are so similar, why do they not seem to go hand-in-hand? What I mean by that is: why can we have one without the other? Unfortunately, I have never been in Love and had Sex (GASP), so I have never officially "Made Love". However, I have had amazing Sex, and never been in Love with that person... So I have to ask you, can you have both? Is it possible to get the FULL PACKAGE, you know a Love you fall so deep into, and the kind of Sex you never thought you would get into? The kind of relationship that does not make you want to look up at the stars, and wish for something more... That my friends, that may be THE DREAM! 

      I have written about Love in a past entry, so you should know my complex with it. At this juncture in my life, I don't quite know if I believe in it. I Love my family, I Love my friends, but as far as me falling head over hills for someone.... I have other dreams to fantasize about. Does that make me cynical? I would be lying if I said that I have never desired it, because I have heard people talk about being in Love, and I thought to myself "I want to be in Love",  but I also want to never pay another bill again, and travel the world... To me the latter seems more plausible. I think Love can be made out into such a cliche', but yet it is an ungrasped emotion for me. More often than not, I think people convince themselves of Love, and they have fallen victim to it. I also think that more often than not, people hate feeling alone, and substitute their infatuation with Love. For me Love does not last, maybe it is because I have not found anyone that I am willing to put the time in for. (I make it sound like a prison sentence) After the "Honey Moon Phase" I am ready to "Phase" you out of my life. I am young, and Love is the furthest from my mind. My idea of Love is someone carrying my groceries for me, and paying for my tab at the end of the night. I do not wish to pursue someone for the rest of my life right now, because I am not even a quarter of a century old yet, and I want to enjoy myself before it is all over. I have the rest of my life, to spend the rest of my life with Mr. Right. And darling, I am not that anxious to start that right now. I have also witnessed too many couples admit to longing for more of a sexual connection with their partner. I hear them get too comfortable, and the Sex goes out the window. So can you Love someone with out enjoying the Sex with them? Is Sex a luxury feature in Love?

      I have never written about Sex before, but tonight I am going to try and get my Carrie Bradshaw on. (Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sister, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and Gammy.... I am still your little girl, but this is the part where you go back to doing whatever it is you were doing before you started reading my blog, I will explain it when you're older... I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT) Sex, is not so complex for for me, or so I thought... I use to think that the only thing that complicated this, was that Little Red Devil "Pandora" that likes to rear her ugly face once a month. However, I thought this because I did not respect what Sex is. I did not value Sex or the person I shared it with, like I do today. Sex can completely complicate a relationship, the passion can be misleading,and the respect can be missing.I can admit to one thing right now, and that is that I Love Sex, I am not a maniac about it, but the experience is nice. I have more positive things to say about Sex than I do Love, because I feel as if it is something that cannot be faked. You cannot fake sexual chemistry with someone. I feel like you do not fully know a person until you share yourself with them.. (You might think them to be one way in the streets, but they could be the polar opposite between the sheets.) It is just one of those moments where our souls are using our bodies to come together, it is pure. I use to feel as if Sex was something to be shy about, I am not so much that way anymore. Do not get me wrong, there is an ugly side to Sex. The scary thing about it, is that you do not have to be in Love to enjoy it. I feel as if people use Sex as a substitute for Love as well. Sex can ruin a relationship faster than Love can, because at least in Love people have a mutual respect for each other. Sex, it can be very selfish, we usually only want it for our own sexual needs. You never really go into Sex thinking I cannot wait to please that person... You usually go into it wanting someone to please your needs. I have had a relationship or two based on Sex, and secretly inside, I just wanted the Love, as a security blanket. I did not want to lose my Sex to that person falling in Love with someone else. That my friend is the perfect example of selfish, so now I am in this complex with Sex. I am at a place where I do not want to share it with any one new unless I Love them, because at least if I at least have that, we will both respect each other enough to not have the Sex ruin our relationship. However, I have found myself putting too much emphasis on Love, and none on Sex... And since I have expressed that I do not believe in Love, you can see where a drought may occur.

      I am not longing for some meaningless one night stand, and I am not looking for the person I am wanting to spend the rest off my life with. I guess I am just wondering what will happen if Love and Sex combine forces... Maybe one night I will travel way above the clouds, and high above the stars, through some unknown black holes, to a place where no one knows. However, tonight I am on earth, looking at the stars wishing for something more... I want to leave you with the question Love or Sex?

Girl Interupted- By a Broken Record.

      Have you ever tossed and turned all night, haunted by your own meandering thoughts? You try to sleep, but your mind will not let you, and the whole time you're just wondering how to turn the friggin' thing off? You're too exhausted to tap into your inner self, so you just wait for your stubborn mind to finally back off and rest. Have you ever felt like a second person to yourself? What I mean by that is we are complex. People talk about themselves in second person all the time, they express themselves as being beside themselves. In my opinion: I have my mind that thinks, I have my heart/soul that feels, and I have my body that acts. Sometimes, I act logically with my brain, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and I act out with feeling. Out-of-body experiences are a perfect example of us being two. There are different beliefs on the matter, but the underlying theme is that it is where our soul, spirit detaches itself away from our physical body. It is said to happen during dreams, near death experiences, medication, sex, and unforgettable moments. Are we really "Outside of ourselves" or is it one of those rare, overwhemlimg moments where our mind body and spirit are in sync?

      Lately, it seems as if this is a ritual in my life... The other night, I finally threw my hands in the air and gave up. I drew a warm bath, and prepared some relaxation tea, I was going to put this stubborn thing to rest. As I lay in the tub drinking tea, my head had never felt so clear. I was "beside my self" because I felt pure relaxation. I lay in the tub for about an hour, because I have not felt that relaxed in forever. I couldn't help but enjoy it, I would give anything to feel that way every minute of my life, I felt human. I know that sounds weird "I felt human", but for once, in a long time, I didn't feel like the machine I have become. The machine that is working to pay bills. The Machine that is programed to wake up at 7:00AM every morning, almost like a coffee maker. I am tired, I am a kind of tired that sleep just cannot fix. I am tired of working a 70 hour week, only to make cut throat decisions such as: spending my last $10.00 on a couple of gallons of gas for my car "Lance", or roman noodles and tampons for my period "Pandora". At times, I feel stifled, when I was laying in the tub sipping my tea, in that moment it was refreshing to be able to take a deep breath. It was almost as if me taking a deep breath and submerging myself in the water, was me pressing a reset button. In a way, it was as if I woke myself up, and it  made me question if I had lost touch with humanity. I am beyond bored with my whole existence revolving around money, and working to exist. And I know you guys have to be bored with the same old post over and over. I wrote about this in my introductory entry... This is not the way I want to "live".  What can I do?  I have enslaved myself to paying bills, I am stuck with my responsibilities. Do I start a Pay-Pal account, and link it to my Facebook, and ask you guys a couple of times a month to donate and support my lifestyle? (I will let it marinate on you for a second....) All jokes aside, I  am scared of where I am going, I don't want to just get by and fade away. I want more out of life then a "9-5", I believe there is more to life than this assembly line I am on.

       I catch myself obsessing over worldly possessions. It is crazy to me to see four people sitting at a table, and not one of them are talking, they are all scrolling through Facebook, double clicking pictures on Instagram, answering back text. I find myself doing it more and more: refreshing Facebook to see if there is anything new that people posted or checking in every where I go to some what "brag" about what I am doing, snapping a picture of what I am doing so I can #Hashtag about it on Instagram, talking shit about shows on Twitter. Why do we care so much now-a-days about being relevant? We are so caught up with capturing a moment, that we forget to live the moment. I can't remember the last time I left my phone off to while I work out, or left my phone on silent in my purse while I am spending quality time with someone. I don't even talk on the phone anymore. I use to love talking on the phone when I was first getting to know a guy, I could hear him flirt, and his laugh, and getting lost in a conversation together. Now, I text a s simple conversation with someone, and send emoticons to indicate my flirty tone. It is ridiculous how much  we allow technology to enslave us. (I say that as I try and get you to read my virtual blog;before you snicker... Trust me, I see the irony)

      This year I set resolutions to get me away from the worldly objects. I wanted to reconnect with my family, and cherish more time with them. Creating unforgettable moments with friends, family and loved ones. A couple of friends and I have made a pact that we are going to go out one day a week and try something new. I cannot afford to travel at this juncture in my life, but I am not going to let that effect my ability to interact with my city, and the beautiful people who live in it. On top of trying a new place every week, I made a vow to my little dog Stormie, that we would go try out as many different parks the city has to offer. It have not been doing all of these thing religiously, but I have been enjoying them when I do get to do them. It is absolutely true what they say "The best things in life are free". I could never top the joy and laughter I have with my Fun Loving Family. You know those deep gut laughs, and your laughing because you're happy...I don't even understand half the jokes my family and I say, it is just a vibe we have. I thrive on the unforgettable conversations I have with my deliciously Seasoned Pals! They are the Caribbean Jerk to my life, teaching me so much about life, and they are the most warm hearted people I have ever met. They are the biggest breath of fresh air, their confidence and positivity are infectious! I live for buck wild nights with my Young,Thundering Heard, they keep me young, we struggle with the same problems, we are a bunch of beautiful messes just trying to figure it all out.

       My older audience may be reading this and laughing, or rolling their eyes, and that is okay... You have been here once too, it may be something we all go through periodically. I don't feel as if  I am ever writing about anything "new", I know there are other people who have been, and are currently going through everything I am experiencing. I just love the art of perspectives, I love experiencing other peoples perspectives. I want to share my perspective on my experience, and I love the feed back I get on other peoples perspective, it provides a whole new out look on life.

      At the end of my last post I challenged you to celebrate yourself. (I hope you all did) This week, let's put our phones down during a conversation and actually listen the person in front of us talking. This week, let's go out to eat and enjoy the moment with friends or family. This week, call someone and ask them to meet up instead of texting meaningless emoticons all day.This week go outside and enjoy nature! This week, go against your routine, and have a little fun!

LIVE DAMMIT!

London London Londie!

      We all should be familiar with the Nursery Rhyme "London Bridge Falling Down". If you don't know it, it is a Nursery Rhyme about London Bridge falling down, and all the attempts that "My Fair Lady" should take to repair/rebuild the Never Ending Falling of the London Bridge.
They try to fix it with Wood and Clay...Sure enough, it washed away.
They try to rebuild it with Bricks and Mortar...Unfortunately, that did not stay.
They try to rebuild it again with Iron and Steel... Sadly, it bent and bowed.
They got fancy and tried to repair it with Silver and Gold... However they were scared it would get  stolen away.
To prevent it getting stolen away they hired a man to watch all night... Alas, he falls asleep.
So they end up giving him a pipe to smoke all night.

      Right now, My Life feels like the "London Bridge", and I am the "Fair lady". I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted... That would be something I could over come, but have you ever felt like that for a whole year straight? I know I come off as a Diva, I love Divas, I love how comfortable they are in their skin. I love how they can own every situation, and make it their own. I am a Diva, this has never been a doubt in my mind, I felt this way since before I can remember. As a Diva, I try to mold everyone into being their own Diva. I don't do this because I want to change someone, my attempt is out of the bottom of my heart. I, at one time was not comfortable in my own skin, and once I was, I felt like the world needed to experience this high. The high I get out of being myself, the pure appreciation I have for myself, I had never felt more empowered in my life. The best part of this whole feeling, is that I did not need anyone else to feed this to me. I possessed this myself, I made myself smile, I was the first person I fell in love with. You may be reading this and want to stop because you think this is the most narcissistic thing you could ever come across... Well you're probably right, but hang in there, my rant will soon be over, and you will see where I am getting at.

     One of my biggest faults is that I don't know how to say "No" enough. I over commit to everything. For Example:  I will commit to 2 jobs (committing to over 70 hours a week), and try to throw school on top of that, and make time for my dog Stormie, and a social life to seem normal. I get so wrapped up in other peoples lives, and I get senseless to what is happening in mine. I have now half-ass committed to everything. School... FORGET ABOUT IT. The time I want to spend to primp my self, maintain my figure, rejuvenate, read a book, catch up on my shows... It is LAST on my list. The time I want to spend with my dog at the park, or just time to show her that I love her... She is put second to last. Work, this is the only time I have fully committed to, because I have bills to pay. As strange as it sounds, this is my only relaxation time... Can you imagine? However, while I am there, all I am thinking about is my second job, and how not to fall short on that. My second job, I have fallen very far behind on. My relationships... Well those are becoming close to non existent. I can't even show them appreciation because I can't even take the time out of my day to show me or my dog enough appreciation. This is where the London Bridge starts crumbling down.

      I start growing resentment for myself, because I can't even relate to myself anymore. After a year of go-go-go-go and very little play time, I am too exhausted to even try to get to know myself again. I started this blog as a way of getting to know myself again, and maybe inspire someone along the way of my journey through my soul. I just celebrated my 24th birthday on Monday. Every year, I try to reflect on how much I have grown, and how much has changed with each year. Lately, I don't even feel like myself, I look in the mirror and wonder who this new person is. I have not even reflected long enough to know if this is a good thing or not. This year, I looked for these answers in the relationships around me, as if they define me. I depended on them to point them out to me, because my vision of myself has become hazy. I was so angry about this, and it was not until I started writing this blog that I understood why. At first, I was mad at the people there for not kissing my feet, and telling me of how much of a blessing I am to them. (That is a little joke) However, now  I see that it is not one else job to celebrate me, other than myself. Life is full of ups and downs... Lately, the intervals have been more  frequent. I have love the highs, I love feeling like the little Diva I am. I am learning to cope with the lows, slowly learning how to ride them.

      I know this entry has been back an forth, and a diva has nothing to do with London Bridge (Unless you are talking about Fergie-London Bridge). These were my organic thoughts, and how I processed them. I did not do too much editing, I wanted to just release all of the emotions that have been bottled up. Last week, I wrote about what makes you, YOU... Well this week, I want all of us to grab a glass of Champagne, and cheers to our "Chose"!

Our challenge this week: Treating ourselves to a celebration, because you deserve it dammit!